


Screaming Internally, Screaming Externally, Screaming Eternally

by revenblue



Series: [series] OWCAstuck [4]
Category: Homestuck, Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Alternate Universe - Petstuck (Homestuck), M/M, POV Second Person, Perrie finds out Heinz is legally a troll, Pre-Relationship, Quadrant Confusion, follows PNF canon pretty closely, reference to buckets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26025799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: You, PERRIE PLATYP, are standing in your SECRET AGENT LAIR and SCREAMING.
Relationships: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus
Series: [series] OWCAstuck [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1543390
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	Screaming Internally, Screaming Externally, Screaming Eternally

**Author's Note:**

> Time for more of this absurdly specific AU.

You, PERRIE PLATYP, are standing in your SECRET AGENT LAIR and SCREAMING. It's STARK WHITE and EMPTY, with FEW PERSONAL POSSESSIONS, and many HIGH-TECH FANCY GADGETS. Or at least what passes for fancy when your superiors barely have the budget to pay you.

What few possessions you own are stored in your CAPTCHALOGUE, next to your standard OWCA-issue FEDORA and GRAPPLING HOOK, because anything you can't carry with you may need to be sacrificed at a moment's notice if it ever comes to that. You hold a hope that it never does. In your other life you are a FAMILY PET and you cannot stand the thought of leaving them.

Right now, you are FRUSTRATED at your NEMESIS, who is not your KISMESIS despite the similarity in terms. By FRUSTRATED you mostly mean PITCH.

Ever since you'd met the man, one Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz, he's been a thorn in your side. Not because he's an evil scientist, but because of everything _else_. How a man so _smart_ can simultaneously be so _stupid_ , you have _no idea_. But he is.

Amongst other things, he does not understand QUADRANTS. That's at least half your problems.

> Perrie: Be past Perrie.

You are now PAST PERRIE PLATYP, also known as PERRY THE PLATYPUS to your nemesis, to your eternal frustration. All his scheming and he can't even pronounce your name right. You try not to let it bother you.

A few minutes ago, you'd arrived, both to do your job of thwarting the man, and to deliver his hot wings. Why Major Monogram sent _you_ to do that last part and not someone getting _paid_ for it, you have no idea, but you're used to it by now. Damn _budget_.

Now, you're trapped, filing away at the grate of this old aquatic helmet while your nemesis monologues. Somehow he hasn't noticed yet. You don't know how, it's not particularly _quiet_ , but who are you to argue?

"It's time to move on to the next quadrant!" he announces, and you freeze, just for a second, wondering if this is when he _finally_ goes pitch for you properly. But no, of course not, this is your nemesis. You've gotten to know him fairly well by now, you know he knows _nothing_ about trolls. "Quadrant," he repeats. "Quaaaaaaadrant. Quad- It's a weird word when you think about it. _Quadrant._ "

Repetition does _not_ make the experience any better, so you get back to filing, in case it drowns out his piercing voice. Which it _doesn't_ , for the record.

> Past Perrie: Be future Perrie.

You are now SLIGHTLY LESS PAST PERRIE.

Of all the things you've had to deal with around your nemesis, and there's a lot, an uncovered _bucket_ is the last thing you'd wanted to see. You don't know if it's as taboo for _humans_ as it is for _trolls_ but the thought of using something as intimate as a _bucket_ as a mere _holding container_ is as obscene as actually pailing in public would be. It's just _not done_.

Pushing down your disgust, you glare at him, ready for whatever scheme he thinks justifies this. You deserve _something_ good to thwart. Something _worthwhile_ , to make up for everything else. Fighting him has always been satisfying.

But _no_ , he just wants to _insult_ a _blubberbeast_.

You leave with a huff. What's the point of thwarting _that_? You'd rather be back at your owners' hive, with _them_. They, at least, know what a _troll_ is. And a l-

> Perrie: Remember.

No.

> Do it.

Fuck off.

> That's not nice.

Fine.

You are now SLIGHTLY MORE RECENT BUT NOT RECENT ENOUGH PAST PERRIE, and you are AN IDIOT. Are you _done_ being him now?

> Keep going.

Between the _sock suit_ and the need to save your nemesis _again_ , his backstory that day had slipped your mind. Backstories, plural. He'd mentioned, offhandedly, that ocelots had helped to raise him, and you hadn't thought through the implications. Not until...

> Perrie: Return to the present.

Or, not quite the present.

Instead, you're PAST PERRIE from THIS MORNING, staring at the newest agent in the Organisation Without A Cool Acronym, right there on your screen with Major Monogram: your nemesis, Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

"As it turns out," Major Monogram says, with great reluctance, pushing Heinz back out of frame, "he was raised by ocelots-"

" _Lusii_ -" Carl chimes in.

"-making him, in the eyes of the law, _a troll_."

A _troll_. Your _nemesis_ , who wouldn't know a _quadrant_ if it _punched him in the face_ , is a _troll_. Because he had a _lusus_ once. He'd told you as much _perigees ago_.

You remember your own lusus rather fondly, no matter how briefly you knew her. A large platypus, she'd taught you everything you could ever need to know about swimming, which comes up surprisingly often in your line of work. But your _nemesis_ -

Major Monogram sighs. "I'm not happy about this either, Agent P."

_Not happy_ is an understatement and a fucking _half_. Your _nemesis_ , who you are more than a little pitch for, is a troll. Of all the evil scientists in the world, why did the one _troll_ have to be _him_?

Steeling your expression, you'd saluted, resolving to find a soundproofed space to scream in as soon as your job was done.

> Which brings you to now.

You are, once again, PRESENT PERRIE, and you are not yet done screaming in frustration. How the fuck is _Heinz_ a _troll_? He doesn't know the first thing about what it means to be one, let alone anything about _quadrants_.

No wonder he keeps flirting with you in every single one.

Then again, your lusus didn't schoolfeed _you_ about quadrants when you were a grub, she didn't stick around long enough. You had to learn that from the internet, forums for trolls to give other trolls romance advice.

Either way, you've been steadfastly ignoring his incoherent advances until now, no matter how pitch you get, sure he had no idea what he was doing because he was _human_. Not because he couldn't make up his _fucking_ mind whether he wanted you _pitch_ or _pale_. Or fucking _flushed_ , of all things. How is this your life.

_You_ , on the other frond, are _perfectly fine_ staying _ashen_ with him. His _auspistice_ , standing between him and the rest of the world. Not pitch, not even _pale_ , and certainly not _flushed_. After all, you don't _pity_ your nemesis.

...Do you?

**Author's Note:**

> Had to throw in some last-minute worldbuilding with the forum thing, because I want Karkat to yell at Perrie about quadrants a few fics down the line XD
> 
> The specific episodes referenced here are, in order, The Lake Nose Monster (season 2), Perry Lays An Egg (season 2), The Chronicles Of Meap (season 2), and Agent Doof (season 3). I'm following canon _really_ closely... for now. :3


End file.
